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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

lost
Not long ago i was feeling lost. totally lost. began a new chap in life. the chap called "working life". never expected it to be easy, hence i chose the easy way out. the path that was laid for me, one which did not require much effort to be on. then again, right frm the start i was off to a wrong start. stepped on someone's tail the very first day. till today i still dunno wad i did to offend you. but thanks to you, my life was made miserable. i questioned myself on whether i chose the right path. but who could i blame? i was the one who didn't make the effort to choose a better path in the first place. However, light was never far from me... dun think you will ever find out who this light of mine is. in fact, i dun even think you will ever be reading this... to find out wad you said abt me really turned me off... and to think i dun even noe the full story. but i should thank you lar, if not for you i wun be able to prove ppl wrong.. low expectations means i will exceed them easily. my luck somehow changed... saw light and gained the trust of my manager... although until tdy i still dunno how i did that, and i am not complaining of cos... =)

Although things are getting better now, i am beginning to question myself. is this the path that i really want? no doubt, if i perservere, i will go far. but the journey itself is tough. and the things that i have to give up seems costly. already i have made one U-turn and now there are dark clouds looming ahead. a storm is coming, i can sense it. whether or not this storm is gonna affect my work i really dunno. but the attention that i will get is something unasked for. sometimes the more you want to go unnoticed, the more attention you will draw... sighs... i ask myself, should i stay to face the storm? should i run before it hits? or i should i simply ignore it and jus let it rain? thinking too much maybe? for all i noe a strong wind may come and disperse all the dark clouds. hahaha... jus waiting to see wad will happen. dun like this feeling... makes me feel lost. i like to be in control. to do wad i want and be who i am. waiting jus seems... not me. but wad to do? lately it seems that i am jus waiting. waiting for time to pass, waiting for things to happen, waiting for opportunities to appear. getting the hang of it ehs? but its only a matter of time before i get impatient and decide to take things into my own hands.

Then again, i dun even noe wad i want in the first place. to take things into my own hands means when things dun go my way, i let go and find something else. i envy those who can put 100% into wad they are doing. be it in work, school, life, love, anything. i never seem to be able to do that. issit cos i haven't found something i truely love? i always thought ppl will put in their everything into things they love and mean alot to them. but yet somehow i haven't been able to. someone once said i love myself too much. too protective and dun wanna get hurt. maybe tt's why i will never give my 100%? i fear not meeting my own expectations and getting hurt. my frens envy the way i can let go of things. how i can always be happy and offer sensible solutions. well, i do think alot. you once said i think so much it makes u wonder if i am really only 22. well, this is exactly why i can always let go so easily. cos i think alot. if i noe i wun be happy then why bother?? no effort, yes i totally agree... tt's why now i choose to wait for things to happen. maybe when you stop forming expectations things will be better and i will finally be able to put my 100% into something? Totally lost, but this is life - you'll never noe wad to expect.

♥ The Girl ♥